From a young age, we’re bombarded with idealised portrayals of marriage. Cartoons, movies, fairy tales, and bedtime stories all paint a picture of getting married and living happily ever after. But as soon as you step into reality, you realise that marriage is far more complex. A wise man once told me that you get what you put into a relationship. Marriage can be as challenging or as rewarding as the effort you invest, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Having been married for about 16 years and raising three children, I’ve experienced my share of ups and downs. We’ve navigated through countless challenges and moments of joy. So, where did we go wrong? One common issue is the unspoken expectations we place on our partners. We often assume they should understand and react just as we would, but this isn’t always the case.
Growing up in a Pakistani household, love wasn’t often expressed openly between the elders, but it was evident in their actions. I began to believe that marriage was a magical union where love and companionship conquered all. Most movies and stories from my childhood ended with ‘happily ever after,’ but reality quickly taught me otherwise. Marriage is a continuous journey, not a destination. Real life comes with its own set of challenges that aren’t solved by a simple kiss. There are more ups than downs—you just need to stop focusing so much on the down times.
One of the first lessons I learned was that you only get what you put in—effort is crucial. It’s easy to become frustrated when you feel like your partner isn’t putting in as much effort as you’d like, but we need to shift our focus. Instead of counting how much effort they’re putting in, concentrate on how much you’re contributing yourself. The early years of our marriage were tough, though there were glimpses of heaven amidst the struggle. When you’re dating, you’re only with the other person for a period of time, and during that time, you’re on your best behaviour. But in marriage, you’re in each other’s faces 24/7. We had to work hard to understand each other’s habits and quirks. My partner’s idea of a perfect weekend was different from mine, and finding a compromise took time and effort.
Trust is vital in any healthy relationship. It can take years to build but only a second to break. Rebuilding trust is a long and bumpy road, and it requires patience, understanding, and consistent effort. Communication became our lifeline. We had to learn to express our needs and concerns openly. I remember a time when a simple misunderstanding about household chores led to a big argument. It was only after we sat down and talked honestly that we realised the issue wasn’t about chores but about feeling appreciated.
Empathy transformed our relationship. Understanding my partner’s viewpoint, especially during disagreements, helped us navigate through tough times. For example, when we faced financial difficulties, empathising with each other’s stress and fears allowed us to support each other better.
Money, or rather the lack of it, is a major stressor in relationships. Financial difficulties can strain even the strongest of bonds. When we were struggling financially, it wasn’t just about the bills—it was about the anxiety, the fear, and the sense of inadequacy that came with it. Learning to manage money together and supporting each other through tough financial times is crucial. It’s important to communicate openly about finances, set mutual goals, and work together to achieve them.
Children can bring immense joy, but they can also create distance between partners if not managed well. Finding a middle ground on raising and disciplining your children is essential. You need to work as a team to ensure that your approach works for the entire family. There were times when the stress of parenting nearly pulled us apart, but by coming together and finding common ground, we were able to strengthen our bond instead.
Intimacy between a married couple is incredibly important. It’s not just about physical connection but emotional and psychological closeness as well. Maintaining intimacy can be challenging with the demands of life, work, and children, but it’s essential to prioritise it. Intimacy is the unspoken glue that keeps a relationship strong and helps partners stay connected on a deeper level.
Reflecting on our 16 years together, I realise that marriage is a journey filled with lessons. Trust, communication, empathy, financial management, and intimacy are all vital components of a healthy relationship. It’s not always easy, but with consistent effort and a commitment to growth, a fulfilling marriage is possible. Despite the challenges, the rewards of a strong, loving partnership are worth every moment of the journey.
Please note ChatGPT was used to structure and grammar check this blog
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